I was a Bully

6th Grade

Liz had the most unruly curly hair you have ever seen. She was an outcast, and so was I - we stuck together. Returning from Christmas break, I walked up to my only friend, excited to see her for the first time in a couple of weeks. Once I reached her, she immediately fell to the ground, covered her face with her arms and pleaded, "Please don't hit me". I stood there, aghast. For the first time in my life, I realized that I was a bully.

That moment changed my life forever. Once I got my bearings I talked to Liz and she told me that I always hit her - I hit everyone, all the time.

Evidently I was like that all my childhood years, ask any of my peers who knew me then.

The Source of the Change

Something had to make me realize the errors of my ways. I changed during that Christmas Break. I don't remember the details, but I do know that I had an experience where I felt loved and valued by other people. That feeling doesn't come around very often when you're a bully. All my life I was viewed as a problem. 

I was insecure. People made fun of me all the time, so to stop that from happening, I beat them up. My peers were scared of me, so therefore, they wouldn't make fun of me anymore. Bullying was a cover-up for the issues happening inside of me.

The Power of Love

I believe that experience I had during Christmas break only happened because my father had passed away from cancer a year earlier. I wasn't just a girl who was a problem - I was a girl who had problems whose dad just died. All of a sudden, people had compassion on me and reached out. Had my father never passed away, I really believe I wouldn't have received the attention I needed for change.

Love is a powerful thing. It has the ability to look past the ugly and see the possibilities. Once I felt that love from other people, I knew I was worth something. I also saw beauty in others and wanted to love them back.

Can we Focus on the Bullies?

There is such a negative stand on bullying: Bullies are BAD. Shame on them. Stop them. Speak out. Stand up. Is this not just putting the bully in the cage? Why not try to "tame" the bully? 

Sure, some are just rotten children. Was I one of those? Maybe. You don't know until you try. Try to compliment them. Try to make them feel important, smart, helpful, loving, and worth it.

There is a huge anti-bully craze going on right now.

But what about the bully?

Logan's 30th Birthday Party

Yesterday my husband Logan turned the big 30.  He specifically told me that he didn't want a party - but I ignored that :) he he he. I am a terrible liar, but somehow I threw him a successful surprise party.

"Uhhh. What is on the ceiling?"

"Hey, that's my nephew. What is he doing here?"

"Surprise!!!"

I handed him a bag of chicken and told him to go cook it. He gave me strange look. Outside, was his present, a BBQ Grill.

While dinner was on the Barbie we played and smacked at the pinata.

This is probably my new favorite picture. It's just perfect.

 

...And some other stuff

My son Eli likes to help me with everything lately. It is so cute. He is so proud of himself that he can help me with the laundry. He pulls it off the couch, places it on the floor, and picks it up over and over again.

Why are the pictures sideways? It isn't sideways anywhere else. Hmmm. Well, he's still cute.

This last weekend we went to my sister Dawnettes house in Logan, UT. Look at how mature I am. Don't I look comfortable?

Eye Opener

A week and a half ago I posted my blog post I've Been Suicidal Most of My Life. I posted it about 8:30pm, posted it on Facebook and went to bed. When I woke up in the morning I opened my Blogger Dashboard (It gives my statistics about page views). My usual page-views for my other blogs was around 30 -50 total. When I checked it that morning it was over 1000. Today it's almost to 2,000. A little different you think?

I went on my Facebook and had A LOT of messages, private and public. Most were their stories. Many were "I've never told anyone this but I've been depressed for a long time" and "You put into words what I feel" and so on and so forth. The news and local newspaper got a hold of me. Random people would come up to me and family members in tears. Overall, the reaction to my blog was enlightening and emotional. Today I have copied and pasted all comments, large and small, into a personal file. 21 pages worth.

It was an eye opener. People are suffering, a lot of people. I can see just in my circle of friends how badly people needed someone to relate to. How many others need to hear this as well? I feel so small in such a big world. A world where there are so many just like me and I never knew. Do they know that they are not alone? I wish I had a way to tell them, to give them a hug and a warm smile. To tell them everything will be alright.